i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
