I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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