Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
