you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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