I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
