if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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