i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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