God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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