my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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