sarcasm needs its own font
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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