He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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