If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
