my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
