Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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