I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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