Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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