So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
