You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
