I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
