my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
