my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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