Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
