he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
