Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
