I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
two words: eviction party
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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