So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
