sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
