My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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