I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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