Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
