Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
