Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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