if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
