My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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