Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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