I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
