i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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