Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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