Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
