thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
