I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I need water and some morals
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
