About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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