if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
