I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
