Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
