my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
