She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
