So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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