She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
