Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
