so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
