im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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